The difference between preparing and pre-experiencing
Long ago, my dad said to me, “You don’t like to do things the easy way.”
Over the years, I realized there was some truth to that.
Not because I was intentionally making things harder, but because, left unchecked, our brains have a habit of preparing for every possible challenge before it even arrives.
That habit is called anticipatory stress.
It’s the stress we experience by future projecting or worrying about an upcoming event.
Last week, that habit showed up as I was packing for a trip to Michigan for our annual family reunion.
My brain started reminding me of everything that might be uncomfortable during this trip.
✅ Being in a full house with all early risers (except me).
✅ Sleeping on an air mattress in the room next to the shared bathroom.
✅ Figuring out food for my dietary needs.
All the little things that, on previous visits, has sometimes been more complicated or taken somewhat of a toll on my physical or emotional energy.
As I was standing in my apartment getting ready to pack my suitcase, I realized I had already begun worrying about all these possible self care challenges of the trip before it had even begun.
So much so that I was already experiencing the discomfort of sleeping on an air mattress for three nights… and yet I still had one more night left in my own bed before I even needed to leave for the airport!
In that moment I realized I didn’t want to spend my present moment unnecessarily suffering over a future that hadn’t happened yet… and wasn’t even guaranteed to happen the way my brain was predicting.
So I asked myself this question…
What if this doesn’t have to be such a big deal?
That question changed the energy I chose to meet the entire trip with.
I still packed intentionally.
I brought the foods I knew would help me feel my best.
I packed my sleep herbs to help improve my sleep quality
I ensured I had my iPad so I could listen to pink noise at night and soften the noise of those who were up before I was.
The trip preparation didn’t disappear.
But the reason behind it was now completely different.
My preparation wasn’t from a place of worry and trying to control or eliminate every inconvenience.
I trusted that I’d be okay even if things weren’t ideal.
It was from a place of love and caring for myself enough to make the experience a little more supportive.
On the way back to NYC after the weekend I was excited to get back into my routines (and my own bed!). When I arrived back to my apartment, all I could do was laugh because life was giving me another chance to practice letting go of anticipatory stress.
I tried to opened my front door and found it partially blocked because my entire hallway storage system had collapsed dumping the contents of half of my apartment all over the floor.
My first thought was, “Ugh… now I have to deal with this instead of doing my self care I had planned.”
And then I paused and thought…
Wait. What if this doesn't have to be a big deal?
How do I want to meet this moment?
I could be frustrated and try to rush to shove as much as I could back where it had been attempting to restore the usual order I had expected to find upon my arrival.
Or…
I could take my time and see the unexpected mess as it's own self care invitation and finally rethink a storage system that hadn’t really been working anyway.
A chance to create a space that would feel calmer and more peaceful every time I walk through the door.
Even though my apartment has been in quite the disheveled state all week while I take my time with this project, I haven't spent my week feeling unsettled or irritated about the mess like I probably would have had I stayed in the anticipatory stress state of "Ugh, I have to deal with this." Instead I've had fun researching new options and am excited about the potential of making it better than it was.
How often do we spend time predicting future stress and end up creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves in the present?
Our brains are prediction machines. They’d much rather anticipate a challenge than be surprised by one, believing that if we think through every possible scenario, emotionally brace ourselves, or prepare for the worst, we’ll somehow soften the blow or make the experience easier when (or IF) it arrives.
Sometimes that's true.
But sometimes that preparation turns into pre-experiencing.
Instead of preparing for what’s ahead, we begin predicting stress from a future that hasn’t arrived yet… and isn’t guaranteed to unfold the way we’re imagine.
So this week, I’m continuing to ask myself that one simple question:
How do I want to meet this?
Not, How do I avoid this?
Not, How do I control this?
Just…
How do I want to meet this?
Because life will always give us air mattresses, unexpected messes, disrupted routines, and imperfect moments.
But maybe pausing to ask that question can help us create a little less unnecessary suffering in the present and stop predicting tomorrow’s stress today.
